Halal jokes and funny quotes

 

 

 

jwg3ummbscim
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Here are some Halal humour from some Imams, Sheikhs, brothers and sisters, Insha Allah. A few have been sourced from other (less halal) websites. But they may have been edited to make them halal here, insha Allah. There are also a few Ramadan and Iftar jokes and memes. Enjoy, insha Allah.

😀

:-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)     :-)    :-)    :-)   :-)    :-)   :-)   :-)    :-)   :-)   :-)

(Last updated: 11th June 2017)

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(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB page)

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(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB page)

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(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB page)

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(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB page)

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reda funny halal -31_7_15

(From Sheikh Reda Bedeir’s FB post; 31_7_2015)

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alaa-elsayed-funny-3 halal

(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s Facebook page)

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alaa-elsayed-funny-2

(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s Facebook page)

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alaa-elsayed-funny-1

(From Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s Facebook page)

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halal-funny-10

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-9

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-8

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-7

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-6-2

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-5

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-4

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-2

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-3

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal-funny-1

(From Awkward Muslim’s Facebook Post)

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halal funny muslim-kids-tv-12_1_17

(From Muslim Kids TV’s Facebook post; 12th Jan 2017)

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halal-funny-3

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halal-funny-2

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halal-funny-1

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halal funny-16_6

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halal funny-9_do-you-like-english-fb-page_nov-22_2016

(“Do you like English?” Facebook post; 22 Nov 2016)

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halal funny-8___16_6

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halal funny-7___16_6

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..

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halal funny-6___16_6

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halal funny-6-____-20_6_16

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halal funny-5____16_6

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halal funny-5-____-20_6_16

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halal funny-4______-16_6

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halal funny-4-____-20_6_16

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halal funny-3-____-20_6_16

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halal funny-3-____-16

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funny-2-____16_6

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smile-to-jannah-meme-4

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eating-suhoor-expectation-vs-reality

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are you a perfectionist -12

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alaa-elsayed-funny-27-may-2016

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB page; alaa-elsayed-funny-27-may-2016

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are you a perfectionist -11

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alaa-elsayed-funny-26-may-2016

(Sheikh Alaa ElSayed’s FB page; 26-may-2016)

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are you a perfectionist -10

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22_6_16_funny-5 funny muslim

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are you a perfectionist -9

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22_6_16_funny-4 muslim joke

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are you a perfectionist -8

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22_6_16_funny-1 muslim joke

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are you a perfectionist -7

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when you sneeze in islam

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are you a perfectionist -6

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smile to jannah meme 5

(Smile to Jannah; May/June 2016)

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are you a perfectionist -5

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funny halal meme halal joke 2 ____ 20_6_16

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are you a perfectionist -4

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halal joke ramadan meme

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are you a perfectionist 3

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smile to jannah meme 2

(Smile to Jannah FB post; 12 June, 2016)

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funny halal meme 1 ____ 18_6

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smile to jannah meme 3

(Smile 2 Jannah FB post; Ramadan, 2016)

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Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB post, 31 May 2016: “Don’t forget to say your Shahadah before you get on this road .”

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smile to jannah meme 1

(Smile to Jannah’s Facebook post; 15 June 2016)

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Smile 2 Jannah FB post, 23 May 2016: “Gandhi found in Dubai. ..running a mobile shop?”

smile to jannah meme 8

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smile to jannah meme 7

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funny halal meme joke 1 ____ 20_6_16

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“For those of us who gained weight already in Ramadan…”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed’s FB post; 16 June 2016)

alaa elsayed joke 1

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no fried foods promise in ramadan

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Pick up line during Ramadan?

suhoor joke suhoor meme 1

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kermit in ramadan

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why are you not fasting 2

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ramadan joke ramadan meme 1

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Ramadan Mannerisms

ramadan comics 1

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perfectionist test 2

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lolly wrapper - one of those things nobody admits

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A scene, all-too-common, before Iftar

iftar joke

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dare to be a hotdog

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hurt feelings moment

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are you a perfectionist 1

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ramadan joke

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suhoor joke

 

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funny 19

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funny halal 18

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funny halal 17

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funny halal 14

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funny halal 16

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funny 15

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funny 13

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funny halal 12

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funny halal 11

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funny halal 10

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funny halal 9

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funny 7

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funny 6

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funny 5

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funny 1

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funny 2

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funny 4

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funny 3

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imam 1

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late muslim 2

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late muslim 1

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Although not advisable, some of our sisters are guilty of this!

hijabi secret

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mcdonalds in dubai

“The new delivery vehicle for McDonald’s in Dubai, makes you consider a change of career.”

🙂

(Sheikh Alaa; 30 March 2016)

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app joke

“If you don’t use it, you lose it.”

🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 2 April 2016)

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funny ideas 5

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 3 April 2016)

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funny ideas 4

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 3 April 2016)

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funny ideas 3

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 3 April 2016)

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funny ideas 2

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 3 April 2016)

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funny ideas 1

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 3 April 2016)

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child immune system

” I remember those days… where there were no PS4 “

🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 4th April 2016)

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funny cat

“This reminds me of our kids pretending to be asleep when we wake them up for Fajr… ” 🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 7th April 2016)

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winter fat and spring rolls

(April 8, 2016. Sheikh Alaa’s FB post)

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wife joke

“No comments. “

🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 11 April 2016)

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“A signboard outside a restaurant read – “Eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill”.  A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, “Don’t you see, only my grandchildren will pay?” The waiter replied, “This is not your bill, it’s your grandfather’s bill.”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 11 April 2016)

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Alphabetic advice for you:

A B C
Avoid Boring Company..

D E F
Don’t Entertain Fools..

G H I
Go for High Ideas .

J K L M
Just Keep a friend like ME..

N O P
Never Overlook the Poor n suffering..

Q R S
Quit Reacting to Silly tales..

T U V
Tune Urself for ur Victory..

W X Y Z
We Xpect You to Zoom ahead in life”

(Sheikh Alaa’s FB page: 20/4/16)

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bilal philips joke

(https://www.facebook.com/OfficialYusufChambers/photos/a.111261625563278.11529.111257452230362/1081482491874515/?type=3&theater)

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“(Whilst eating at the dinner table:)

Me: So what’s the plan bro?
X: Oh man, I’ve got to do that whole women shopping cloth shimmery scarfs dresses thing.
Me: Oh snap. Man that bakwas sucks.
X: You never know what cloth or what the different sizes mean…
Me: We never do.
X: All those different designs and stuff…
Me: Pure female nonsense yara.
X: Whatever happens, it’ll be the wrong thing.
Me: Uh-huh.
X: You know what I’m sayin’?
Me: I feel you bro.

(Back to picking at our food again, heads bowed down, depression setting in)

‪#‎PostHajjConversations‬
‪#‎MaleProblems‬

” (Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 22 Oct 2013)

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. ” #‎HajjReflections‬

Why is it only in Tawaf that counting from 1 to 7 becomes more stressful and difficult than a Pythagorean maths equation?”

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 24 Oct, 2013)

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“Have to spend 24 hrs in the departure lounge before my Saudi exit flight due to missing the flight two years in a row now. What. A. Mission.

My Hajj always gets tested on the way home. I nearly lose it with incompetent folks and having to sleep like a plum on the floor but then I remember something and I have to smile: mate, I’ve done Muzdalifah. In ihram. Yes, ihram. Bring it.

Good night folks.” 🙂

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 26 Oct 2013)

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“Tom Hanks eat your heart out. I’m on first name terms with all the staff here and all in 24 hrs, and it took you 10 yrs. Pfft. ‪#‎TheTerminal‬ ”

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 26 Oct 2013)

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“So, have those UK Muslim guys threatened by al-Shabaab been killed yet? No? Oh ok.

Wait, there *was* no threat? Man, that’s got to suck if your career depends on it.”

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; Oct 29, 2013)

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‘As we arrived into the London “Fiqh of Death” class yesterday, my Yahya who was with me says in this thick Manc accent:

“Baba, what’s wrong in London? Why along the way were all those posters everywhere telling us to be less miserable?” ‘

😐

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; Nov 11, 2013)

miserable

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“So I’m sitting down and my Ma says to my ole man:

Mum: hey, where did you go this morning?

Dad: I went out to the local market.

Mum: Ok.

Dad: Why? What’s wrong?

Mum: Did you make your du’a?

Dad: Du’a for what?

Mum: The du’a for entering the market! You know, laa ilaaha illallah wahdahu laa shareekalahu… you must remember to make it before you walk into the market, because that’s where all the Shaytans are, it’s their favourite place you know.

Dad: Woman, I made that du’a the second I stepped out of the house. There’s plenty of nangi Shaytans around here forget about over there.”

😀

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 20 Nov 2013)

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‘ “Ok, you’re cooler than my father and Sh Kamal El Mekki Combined.”

– Sara Basyouni, daughter of Sh Waleed Basyouni

Don’t worry Shaykh. Look on the bright side, at least you were considered cool 20 years ago… ‘ 🙂

(Sheikh Abu Eesa Niamatullah; 30 Dec, 2013)

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you snnoze you lose

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pick yourself up

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“Some people should EAT make up. Maybe it will make them beautiful from inside!”

(ROC Admin; 19 Dec, 2012)

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room reminders

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“A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water.”

( ROC Admin; Dec 22, 2012)

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“Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are the same.”
(ROC Admin,Dec 24, 2012)

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“This is Shaitan… Always stops you from doing good deeds….. Beware from the whispers of the Devil.”

(ROC Admin)

shaitan

 

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“If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.”

( ROC Admin; Dec 25, 2012)

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You can go to the gym, lift as many weights as you want, but if you can’t bench press your blanket at Fajr then it doesn’t mean anything.”

(ROC Admin; Dec 30, 2012)

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smile it's sunnah

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Subhanallah, last night when I entered the hotel, there was a huge Quran at the entrance. Today as I came back from Eid Salah, I found the big Quran replaced with a piano!!! While this may seem like a single incident, it symbolizes the attitudes of many Muslims worldwide after Ramadan. Don’t be a part time Muslim!”

(Sheikh Waleed Abdulhakeem; Sept 10, 2010)

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“If I tell you that my Christian neighbour just purchased a sheep today, and he put it in his home’s backyard in order to get ready to slaughter it 2 weeks from now on Eid-ul-Adha day, would you believe me? Well, if you don’t believe me (and you shouldn’t), then how come you believe that some Muslims are wearing customs, trick-or-treating, and celebrating Halloween tonight?”

[Sheikh Waleed Abdulhakeem; 1 Nov, 2010, Canada]

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“ppl who typ like dis on ma page anoy me so much! R dey tryin’ to imitat som1? do dey think dey R cul? If yo wana b blacklistd by me, den typ in dis way! all coments lik dis R goin’ to b deleted, n im nt tryin’ 2 b funy! u r free 2 speek wid yo frends any way u want, but dis is n islamic page, n i will only ansa questions in propa english unless it is clear dat it is ur 2nd language n u cant do betta. do u hear me?” 🙂

(Sheikh Waleed Abdulhakeem; 30 Dec, 2010, Canada)

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“The New Year Experiment: On one of our friend’s account, someone counted the number of Muslims wishing a “happy new year” on the first day of Muharram in the Hijri calendar, and found only 41 Muslims said it (out of 1000). On the other hand, he counted the number of happy new year wishes today, and found 383 Muslims said it. Regardless of whether this is right or wrong, How do you interpret the results?!!”

(Sheikh Waleed Abdulhakeem; Canada, Jan 1, 2011)

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“50 000 years before the creation of the heavens and the earth Allah willed and wrote that you would be reading this status update, the least you can do now is say Subhana Allah!  🙂

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; 2 Nov, 2010)

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‘Laugh of the day: Focus more on the sounds emitted rather than the spelling: “The paw saw sum”…the ill effects of speaking too fast and not enunciating your letters properly.’

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Dec 20, 2010)

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“Did you get it? When I heard it today…I was cracking up for like a good 5 mins.

The Prophet Salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa Sallam.
The Paw Saw Sum

Yes it is a true story.”

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Dec 20, 2010)

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‘What was the highlight of your day?: For me, an 8 year old boy comes up to me after the khutbah and says: “This is the first time in my life that I wasn’t bored at the khutbah.” ‘

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Dec 25, 2010)

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‘Funny moment: I’m at the bakery and there is this little girl crying and saying: “But I wanna cut the cheese.” and her brother is laughing at her: “Haha! You wanna cut the cheese!”…one of those you had to be there moments…lol ‘

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Jan 1, 2011)

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For those of you who don’t get it:
http://onlineslangdictionary.com/definitio…/cut+the+cheese
 ”

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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“The young muslim’s session at GLM…promise them candy and you have their undivided attention for about 30 seconds…lol ” (Sheikh Navaid Aziz; July 25, 2011)

Sheikh promises

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“What did the cool Pakistani say to the milk? ‘Vat’s up dood?’  “

:-p

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Aug 15, 2011)

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kids praying in jamaah

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making dua with concentration

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sunnah snickers bar

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haha18“Even cats want to attend NicheHero, lol. (If you have a cat, you KNOW they were watching Taraweeh Truffles, correct?)

[Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 27 January 2012]

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“British humour Abu Eesa Niamatullah would appreciate: A British guy is bustling about the flat, getting ready to head out to a football match when he tells his wife, ‘Get your jacket, hat, and gloves on!’

The wife, delighted that her husband may finally be taking her out and including her in his activities, asks, ‘Are you taking me to the football match?’

He stops dead in his tracks. ‘Heck no. After I leave I’m shutting off the heat.’ “

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 28 Feb 2012)

 

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haha17 “My page was forced to the new timeline look today.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 31 March, 2012)

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haha16“This pic is for Ammar, in tribute to his never ending search to find a video that makes me lol. Let’s just say, the search continues.”  😎

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 3 April 2012)

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“Graduation speeches today: ‘I’d like to thank Google, Wikipedia, and the inventor of copy/paste.’ ”   🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 26 April 2012)

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haha15“At first, I was like, “Oh wow, cute baby lotas*” but then I was like, wait a sec, they don’t sell kid lotas* at ToysRus.”

(Muhammad Alshareef; 3 May 2012)

* lota =  small, usually spherical water vessel of brass, copper or plastic used in parts of South Asia. A similar vessel to the lota is the Buta, used in Muslim parts of Africa for personal hygiene and for Wudu.

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“Every find yourself, you’ve got really important deadline work to do, but then like a deer staring at headlights, you see a totally insignificant random Youtube video and you MAKE TIME to watch it!!! LOL, So frustrating.”

😛

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 7 May 2012)

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“If making good intentions is free and rewarded by Allah, why not make big, lofty and noble intentions, more frequently?!” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 26 May 2012)

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“Chances are you will succeed, in sha Allah, cause most people are lazy.” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 27 May 2012)

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“That heaven-on-earth moment when your ears are plugged up, and then Allah allows them to pop. #thankAllah Alhamdulillah.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 27 May 2012)

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“Isn’t it freaky that before Facebook/Twitter all of this stuff was clogged in people’s head?”

😛

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 27 May 2012)

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to do it.” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 29 May 2012)

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 “When you’re LOUD, people tell you to be quiet. When you’re, QUIET people are like, ‘Why so quiet? Is something wrong?’ ” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 30 May 2012)

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“Sometimes I wonder, why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hits me.” 😮

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 31 May, 2012)

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“Secret = something one tells everybody to tell nobody.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 1 June 2012)

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“K (a phrase) = this conversation is now over.”

[Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 3 June 2012]

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haha14 “Meanwhile in Scotland.” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 6 June 2012)

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“That awkward moment when you use Internet Explorer to download a better browser. Awk-ward.” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; June 15, 2012)

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haha13(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 16 June 2012)

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“Waiting for bathroom, this guys talking full blast on the phone. I’m like, hey buddy, it’s a toilet, not a phone booth.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 16 June 2012)

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“So I’m walking with a tall fountain drink, holding from the top (never do that). It’s half done, so the top of the cup pinches and it slips out of my hand, falling straight down. Ok, the soda splashes straigh down and up and all around, drenching me in my own little side rainfall.

The funny thing: it was AWESOME. It felt like those Mountain Dew commercials where people slam into soda.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 21 June 2012)

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haha12(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 17 July 2012)

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haha11 (Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 18 July 2012)

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haha10“When I was young, I saw a Libyan brother at the Masjid partaking in a Desi iftar. Everything was spicy, so he said the only thing he can eat is fruit. He ate fruit and SURPRISE!” (Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 19 July 2012)

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haha9 “As an Imam, I know that it is IMPOSSIBLE to stuff oneself and then attempt to lead Taraweeh. But there are always people who think they can pull it off, a couple more servings, and I’m off to Taraweeh. This meme is dedicated to them. Bring it on!” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 22 July 2012)

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haha8“This meme is a tribute to all our mama’s boys trying to impress the sisters on muslim matrimonial sites.”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 27 July, 2012)

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haha7(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; August 1, 2012)

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haha6“Kissing doesn’t break your fast. Our pet birds were wondering.” (Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 3 August 2012)

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haha5“As I’m waiting for sun to rise, these geese crossed in front of my sutra.” 🙂

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; August 10, 2012)

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haha4“Saw this sign and was like, mmm, burger.” 😛

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; 22 August, 2o12)

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haha3“Me teaching in Scotland. Whenever I see someone take out their phone and take a picture of me, I take out my phone and take a picture of them. Touché. ” (Sheikh Muhammad; 1 September 2012)

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haha1“And we want to reform the world ?” (Prof Tariq Ramadan, Dec 27, 2014)

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haha2“This pic tells so much about human nature – I can’t get it out of my mind. What does this tell you about humans? Would you attempt the short cut or would you walk around?” (Sheikh Muhammad Alshreef; Dec 25, 2012)

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“Isn’t it interesting how we wake up tired, yet go to bed wide awake?”

(Sheikh Muhammad Alshareef; September 13, 2012)

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kamal_panda“Look at my Panda collection now! Because people know I can’t stand them, I now get stuffed Pandas wherever I go.
Thank you MUNIDA Denmark, Windsor Ontario and Nurayn Virginia!

I’m sure there are others who want to give me gifts of things I hate, but just so the panda thing doesn’t get old here are some other things I really really hate:

1. iPad Air! I especially hate the ones that can accept a sim card and have high storage capacity. I also hate them in white.

2. I hate the Canon 7D camera. What a horrible piece of equipment!

3. I can not stand the Galaxy Note 3, I’m positive I will hate the 4 even more. I also hate them both in white.

4. I also hate First and Business class seats and I can’t stand it when people randomly come up to me with a gift of over $10,000 in cash.

5. And I already hate the iPhone 6 even though it has not come out yet.”

(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki; March 26, 2014)

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red egg“You got to love any country where people have fish, beef or chicken for breakfast. Pancakes and waffles? Not for me! Hence my love for the Philippines. Here is what we had for breakfast yesterday:

Badak: Jackfruit but cooked with salt and in a sauce as if it were a vegetable.

Toyo: Salty and smelly fish. You know me and smelly foods! But in all honesty it didn’t smell too bad, I heard it smells worse at the time of cooking. I think this was my favorite of all the food items.

Dalag: Catfish (head). Succulent and reasonably spiced. You can’t go wrong with fish in SE Asia!

Itlog na pula: Salty boiled egg, (colored purple on the outside). Tastes like laughing cow cheese if you ask me. I ate it without anything else. Later on they tell me you’re supposed to have it with something else. Another bite and I would have lost all my breakfast!

Apang: Coconut pancakes! Yes sir! Pancakes for breakfast but only AFTER the fish!

Pyaparah: I forgot what this was, but I ate it!

Just so you know none of the above food items stood a chance. I destroyed them all.

Next on the list Bagoong! Stinky Shrimp!

Now the question is who makes better Beef Rendang the Malays or the Filipinos?”

(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki; 7 April 2014)

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kamal and the statue“Somehow the Ten Minute Shahadah technique didn’t work on this guy!” (Sheikh Kamal El Mekki; April 12, 2014)

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burger 1

burger 2“These covers are driving me crazy! Which pillows are nicer? Mmmmmmmm!”

(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki; Dec 2, 2014)

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“Life was easier when apples and blackberry were just fruits, and androids were characters on Star Trek (the next generation if you want to be really picky). ”  🙂

[Sheikh Navaid Aziz; Dec 15, 2011]

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yell at kids“Now that’s smart!” (Sheikh Hasan Ali; 31 Oct 2014)

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angry husband“When you want to become the ‘knight in the shining armour’ of your wife again do something simple…but make sure it’s not too tight for you to re-open again…lol!”

(Sheikh Hasan Ali; 10 Nov 2014)

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just kidding(Sheikh Hasan Ali; 30 Nov 2014)

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naan joke“Alhamdulillah came back from Bangladesh last night. Amazing time with the Sheikh.

~ Just laugh ~

While out there I went to a restaurant and they gave me the following menu. Instead of nans, they seemed to be serving nuns! Buttered ones, hot chilli ones and even special ones…Rofl! I called the waiter and asked for some hot nuns…Lol!”

(Sheikh Hasan Ali; 19 Dec 2014)

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google boy“Scholars for centuries spent their lives tirelessly travelling, collecting and studying knowledge (from their original sources)…and then comes some Google Boy and he thinks he knows more than them in 20 minutes!”

(Shaykh Hasan Ali; 20 Dec 2014)

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christmas jinn“LOL” (Sheikh Hasan Ali; 25 Dec 2014)

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boxing day“If you want Asians to come on time to a wedding at 7.30pm you need to write 5.30 pm on the card….but if the shops on Boxing Day open at 8 am they come few hours early…I don’t call them Asians, I call them crazyans!”

(Sheikh Hasan Ali; Dec 26, 2014)

 

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keeping wudu

Some of us try our best not to break our wudu.
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inspirations

(Islamic Inspiration, 28 Nov 2014)

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My wife just had a fabulous idea about the fastest way to lose weight, by removing the scale out of the bathroom.”  🙂

 

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 12 Dec 2012)

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Marriage should be like a workshop, the husband works, and the wife shops. ”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 14 Oct 2012)

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s2jannah5

(Smile 2 Jannah; 23 Sept 2013)

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s2jannah4 (smile 2 Jannah; 28 Sept 2013)

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s2jannah3 (smile 2 Jannah; 15 Oct, 2013)

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s2jannah2 (Smile to Jannah; 24 Oct 2013)

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s2jannah1 (smile to Jannah; 31 Dec 2013)

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meme5 (Muslim Meme; 22 Nov 2013)

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meme4 (Muslim Meme; 7 Dec 2013)

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meme3 (Muslim Meme; 16 Dec 2013)

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meme2 (Muslim Meme; 23 Dec 2013)

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meme1 (Muslim Meme; Dec 30, 2013)

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ramadan joke

(Ramadan Humour shared by Shaykh Zahir Mahmood on his FB page; July 1, 2014)

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funny muslim joke

(shared by Shaykh Zahir Mahmood on his FB page; 11/7/14)

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volunteer muslim(shared by Shaykh Zahir Mahmood on his FB page; 28/10/14)

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wife in islamInnocence of a child.”

 

[Islam For Kids Facebook Page; 5/11/14]

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biscuit tinFirst time this has ever happened to me!”

[see photo on the right]

(Sheikh Saad Tasleem; 7/11/14)

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Spouses: Share a common hobby, go out together weekly, never stop dating, each other that is, talk about the good old day, I mean days.” 🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 22/8/14)

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How men and women think: when spouses hold hands in the mall, women think it’s romantic, while men think I gotta hold her back.”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 11/9/14)

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out laws alaa elsayedThe out… I mean the in-laws’ new government.”

🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 16/9/14)

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“The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.”

🙂

(quote is shared by Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 20/10/14)

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An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having TWO wives:


A- Monopoly should be broken.
B- Competition improves the quality of service.


If you have 1 wife, she fights with you!
If you have 2 wives, they will fight for you!

Feel the difference & decide.

Disclaimer: Sender not responsible for any side effects.”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 20/10/14)

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pyramid alaa elsayedK, let’s get our priority straight.”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 30/9/14)

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lamb alaa elsayedSmile with the smartest lamb I know 🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; Oct 6 2014)

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Please raise your children to be a gift as future spouses, so their spouses will make duaa for you, and not against you.”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 8 Oct 2014)

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marriage_ alaa elsayed 1“If you’re married you’ll understand this conversation; if not, this is a good training, enjoy.  ”   🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 8/10/14)

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If you want to get a job, be rich, get married, have kids, buy a car, and house with rivers and gardens, the magic word is ASTAGHFIRUL-ALLAH.

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 10/10/14)

 

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Islamic break-up lines:

“I prayed Istikharah”  🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 12/10/14)

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Sisters: if you treat your husband like you treat your cat, he’ll never leave home.”   🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 14/10/14)

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Brothers: if you want your wife’s attention say, “Honey, I have a secret, but don’t tell anyone about it.”       🙂

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed; 16/10/14)

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hanan dover 1

“Someone has to have the guts to stand up and say it how it is.”

(Sister Hanan Dover; 10/10/14).

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power

“Muslims are not the only angry ones at the moment, even these power outlets appear angry. “

(Sister Hanan Dover; 15th Oct, 2014)

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“Who is hunting who?” (Sheikh Zahir Mahmood; Aug 29, 2013)

who is hunting who

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food at Jumaah

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Two minute management course.

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.

Management Lesson :-

“To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.”

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood; Sept 19, 2013)

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Angry Husband sends SMS to his mother-in-law
“Your product not cooking food properly”

Smart Mother-in-law replied
“Product sold, Warranty expired, Manufacturer not responsible”.

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood; 22 Sept 2013)

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Dear Parents

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when…

* Tarzan lives half naked,
* Cinderella comes home at midnight,
* Pinocchio lies all the time,
* Aladdin is the king of thieves,
* Batman drives at 200 mph,
* Romeo and Juliet commit suicide out of love,
* Harry Potter uses witchcraft,
* Mickey and Minnie are more than just friends,
* Sleeping Beauty is lazy,
* Dumbo gets drunk and hallucinates,
* Scooby Doo gives nightmares,
* and Snow White lives with 7 guys.

We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks and cartoons!

We should instead be teaching them stories like

Abu Bakr (ra)’s loyalty and undying service for his master,
Umar ibn Khatthab (ra)’s love for justice and tolerance,
Uthman ibn Affan (ra)’s level of shyness and modesty,
Ali ibn Abi-Talib (ra)’s show of courage and bravery,
Khalid ibn Waleed (ra)’s desire of combating evil,
Fatima bint Muhammad (ra)’s love and respect to her father,
Sallahuddin Al-Ayubi (rh)’s conquest of the promised land,
and much much more…

Above all, we should teach them about Allah (swt), Qur’an and the Sunnah!”

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood; Sept 25, 2013)

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A wife scolded a husband for making dua that his friend finds a wife.

Husband: “He’s single!!”

Wife: “Don’t you know the angel says ameen & same for you!”

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood; Oct 21, 2013)

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mosque google

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Japanese attitude to work, “If he can do it, I can do it. If no one can do it, then I must do it.”

Muslim attitude, “Wallahi if one can do it, let him do it. If no one can do it, ya habibi how can i do it.”

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood; Nov 2, 2013)

 

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Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

(Shaykh Zahir Mahmood)

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mobile in masjid (Shaykh Zahir Mahmood)

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awesome hijabi

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qibla that way

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better shoes

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men in thobe crossing

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safe slippers

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wow

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David and Wilson were lost in desert. They were dying of thirst when
they came upon an oasis, and there was a Mosque.

David to Wilson:
‘Look there is a mosque, lets pretend we are muslims, otherwise we’ll
not get any food or water. I am going to call myself ‘Ahmad’.

Wilson refused to change his name and said:
‘My name is Wilson and i will never pretend to be other than what I am!’

The Imam of the mosque received both of them well and asked for their names.

David:
‘I am Ahmad.’

Wilson:
‘I am Wilson.’

Imam turned to his helpers and said:
‘Bring some food for Willson only.’

And then Imam turned towards David and said:
‘Ramadan Mubarak Brother Ahmad!’ ”

(Sheikh Zahir Mahmood)

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baby in sinkLol! Some parents leave their children way too long on the toilet seat…way too long without a munch…way too long unattended, all because of…” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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toys salaah “When a household offers Salah, their kids will even make their toys offer Salah…soooo cute, mashaAllah!” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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halal“Lol! Halal these days!” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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apes“Lol! If only they could find one shred of REAL evidence linking man to apes!

 (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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“For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!”

(Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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shariah law“Muslims are not the only ones to enforce Shariah Law! Lol!” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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terrorism“How do you stop all of this TERRORISM?!…” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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gain

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qiblaI’m not an illuminati freak but this was the qiblah direction sign on the hotel room table I stayed in Makkah this year!

(Sheikh Hasan Ali)

 

 

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stig“Some people treat teraweeh like a race. Take it easy…” (Sheikh Hasan Ali)

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ramadan

 

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dunya

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love1

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“Watching Brazil Vs Croatia in Fifa with Moosa , and suddenly Moosa shouts, ‘Mama why don’t they give each team a ball that way they don’t have to fight over one ball, each team can play with its ball!!”
lol kids!! so innocent ! ❤

(Sister Umm E Moosa)

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 cookie halalBeautiful initiative by sisters at the Mansfield Masjid at Jumuah (Friday prayer) yesterday.
Yes, I had a cookie
🙂  🙂  

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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Why does the microphone at the Super Bowl trophy presentation sound like a Masjid microphone?

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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boston sheikh abdul nasir I think I’m getting the hang of this Boston accent.

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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boston sheikh abdul nasir 2Lesson 2 of the Boston accent in preparation for Dua Night tomorrow at the Islamic Society of Boston Cultural Center (ISBCC) inshaAllah.

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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Email fights between masajid:

better than east coast/west coast rap feuds from the 90′s.
FACEPALM.

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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green cake 1“My daughters baked me a cake today, MashaAllah. It’s the thought that counts 🙂 🙂  “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Janda)

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green cake 2We have had the same culinary experience at home. Daughters are a blessing, Masha Allah and apparently green is hot in baking nowadays 🙂 🙂  ”

(Sister Shameela Ahmed)

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“Headed to Tom’s BBQ for ribs, err… I mean Memphis for Dua Night inshaAllah  🙂 🙂    ”

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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.Three sheikhs dining

It was a pleasure hosting you Imam sahib! And Nouman ate all the chicken tikka 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)
[Photo, from left: 3 of USA’s most famous scholars – Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda, Imam Suhaib Webb and Professor Nouman Ali Khan]

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arabic translations 1“Translation fail. SMH. (Shaking my head)” 

[ Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda ]

 

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arabic translations 2Translation FAIL!!!

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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Imam Tahir Anwar driving the A-team van?”  (Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

van of Imam Tahir Anwar

[See picture on the left]

“MashaAllah Imam Tahir Anwar rolling to the masjid like a Boss.” (Brother Hussain Kamani)

“His black and white telly might’ve been faulty back in the days. Maybe someone should break it to him with gentle hikmah that BA’s van was black.” (Brother Musa Jabbar)

 

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van sign“Imam Tahir Anwar is a boss, MashaAllah. May Allah protect him.” (Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

(See picture on the right)

“Ahh! The perks of being an imam, you get a reserved parking spot and a spot in the masjid as well 😛  oh and don’t forget mimbar!” (Brother Burger Mullah)

 

 

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“If someone ever gave you their word and followed it up with: “Insha Allah” yet didn’t deliver. Now you know where it disappeared to! insha Allah meaning - joke

(See picture on the right)

 

[Sheikh Navaid Aziz]

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muslim cats(Photo on the left is shared by Sheikh Navaid Aziz on his FB page)

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Q: If someone from the early 1900’s suddenly appears in our times, what would be the most difficult thing to explain from our times?

A: I posses a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man, and I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with random strangers.

🙂

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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Something funny I read the other day about how Valentine’s day is Punjabi in origin. Back in the day Punjabi women would regularly getting angry at their husbands and would start beating them up with velans (a rolling pin for making roti). It would happen so often the wives started calling it “Velan Time”. The husbands in return would try to get on their good side by buying them chocolates and flowers, and that is how this day was invented in Pakistan.  🙂

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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What to do when someone is trying to ruin your day

1- Walk away from them.
2- Share this picture on their wall

(See picture on the right)  monkey

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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canadian archeology
And the #1 reason I left Canada to Malaysia is…
Canada is winter forever (almost) [See picture above], Malaysia is summer forever, and insha’Allah Jannah is Spring forever! 🙂 ”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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yaser birjas“And another sunny day in Texas with temperatures in the upper 60s. Alhamdulillah :-)

(see picture on the right)

 

(Sheikh Yaser Birjas)

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“There are two individuals who read and copy every Facebook status you write. They are not on your friends list and you cannot see if they liked or shared your status. One is on your right, the other is on your left. Their names are… Raqeeb and ‘Ateed, the angels!”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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musallah at one of jakarta's malls“Masha’Allah, believe it or not, this looks like a large major Masjid, but it’s actually a massive “prayer room” (Musalla, Surau) built ON TOP of a 14 floor Mall, Tanah Abang in Jakarta, Indonesia [see picture on left]. Subhanallah, if you pray there, you will feel that the Dunya is literally under your feet, and Salah is above all!”

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jakarta mall with musalla“This is (the) Tanah Abang mall in dowtown Jakarta [see picture on the left]. You can glimpse the Masjid roof on top. They also pray Jumaa there too, so not sure if that should be called a ‘prayer room’ :-) “

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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this hot date is halal“This hot date is… Halal! 🙂 “

(See picture on the left)

(Imam Waleed Abdul Hakeem)

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camel meat“You know you are in the Arabian gulf (Qatar here) when you see camel steak in the meat section. [See picture on left]

Did you know that according to Hadeeth, if you eat camel meat, you have to repeat your Wodou? And camel urine is Halal and healthy too, Subhanallah!”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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  • ” Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream which is pretty much the same thing  😀 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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maldives sign“Masha’Allah, two thumbs up to the Maldives. I pray “other” Muslim countries are watching!

(P.S. You can wear anything at your private beach!)”

{Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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abu eesa 1“Ok so this was a bit of a shock lol but I’m a glass half-full kinda guy when it comes to my li’l 7yr old.

Ma sha Allah, at least she used a capital letter at the beginning, started politely, no spelling mistakes and it’s all joined-up handwriting right?”

(See picture on the left. And the story continues^ below soon….)

(Sheikh Abu Eesa, January 14, 2014)

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  • “I’m all for sharing house chores.  My wife cooks, I eat, it’s all good. 🙂 ”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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abu eesa 2“Pfft. Li’l girls have got all the hatin’ power of a chocolate teapot.”
 (See picture on the left. This is a continuation from ^ above)
(Sheikh Abu Eesa, January 15, 2014)

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maldives airport“When you fly on a small plane, every passenger has to be weighted in order to meet the maximum total weight for the plane, and to have a balanced centre. I guess they had to balance this giant Canadian Arab Imam on the right with 2 skinny Maldivians on the left :-) 

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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muslim kid tip

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maldives beach“How beautiful is Maldives? Let me put it this way: If someone blindfolded you and gave you a camera to shoot random pictures while walking, then every shot qualifies to be a screensaver, Subhanallah!”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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  • “Life’s better in the saddle. Texan wisdom 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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sri lanka KFC“In Sri Lanka, KFC’s menu has been customized to suite the local taste. This [on left] is Halal grilled chicken biryani (as spicy as Jahannam!) with curry sauce on the side, chocolate pudding, and fresh mint lemon soda. I guess they need to change the name to KGC, Kentucky’s Grilled Chicken! :-)   “

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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“True?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.   :-)  🙂  “

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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sri lanka masjid sign“[See picture on left] Masha’allah, Well done Sri Lanka! (Nimal Road Masjid)”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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fiqh of cattle herding - abdul nasir jangdaFiqh of Cattle Herding.

[See picture on the right]

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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1450860_10151827622925843_1893770628_n“Masha’allah, a Malaysian parent makes a 5 star bed cart for their child, with soft pillows under. How sweet! 🙂  “

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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  • “Don’t be jealous of somebody else’s Marriage;INVEST in your own! If the Grass looks Greener on the other side, you need to stay home and water your own grass.    :-)  “

(Half Our Deen FB post)

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malaysian robot“Saw this traffic man in Malaysia waving up and down for cars to slow down, then when I looked closer, I discovered it’s a robot!

Masha’Allah, a very merciful way to save one human from heat and pollution!”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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  • Musleh Khan's funny “So what do you think? Does it look like a snowman or something that needs Ruqya?”

(Sheikh Musleh Khan)

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brunei darussalam“Masha’Allah, Brunei is officially known as “Darussalam” (the land of peace), but I think I will start calling it “Darul-Rainbows”, because in 4 out of 4 days, we witnessed the most beautiful rainbows (e.g. see picture on left)Subhanallah!”

(Imam Waleed Abdulhakeem)

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  • “Public service announcement:

    • If you’re wearing “designer” sweatpants out in public, you’re still wearing sweatpants out in public. SMH (Shaking my head)
      The more you know 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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“You can tell a lot about a masjid just from the bathroom and the sisters’ area.”

(Brother Dawah Addict)

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” If atheism is a religion, then bald is a hair colour. ”

(Brother Boonaa Mohammed)

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suhur
Last call!

(Shared by Brother Dawah Addict)

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“Don’t taunt the alligator until after you’ve crossed the swamp.” – New Orleans Wisdom

“Don’t taunt an alligator.” – Normal People Wisdom  🙂

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • “Marriage is a relationship in which one is always right and the other is the husband!”

(Shaykh Nomaan Baig)

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  • “Husband: “Whenever you are mad with me, how do you handle it?”
    Wife: “I go and clean the toilet.”
    Husband: “How does that help?”
    Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”
    Moral? Be NICE to your wife!
    Then what? Perhaps you should consider buying a new toothbrush, especially if you had a fall out with your wife recently. 🙂  

(Sheikh Bilal Dannoun)

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“Ice cream is a gift from God. How many of the flavors of the favors of your Lord will you deny?”

(Brother Dawah Addict)

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  • Musleh Khan's funny“So I went at an outdoor facility to perform wudu and didn’t realize there was a ” dinosaur ” with me..

ewww!!”

(Sheikh Musleh Khan)

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  • “Everyone is a critic these days but no one knows how to criticize properly!
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.  🙂 :-)     

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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“Blankets weigh a ton at fajr time.”

(Brother Boonaa Mohammed)

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  • imam omar suleiman's joke“Anyone know where i can buy this stuff?”

(Imam Omar Suleiman)

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  • Yahya: Can we go to Mcdonald’s please?
    Grandad: No.
    Yahya: Please?
    Grandad. No.
    Yahya: Please?
    Grandad: Only if you spell it perfectly right.
    Yahya: Erm…what about KFC?

(Imam Abu Eesa Niamatullah)

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“When wine is an unexpected ingredient in some otherwise halal food, I feel like I’m being pranked. Anyone else?”

(Brother Dawah Addict)

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  • abdul nasir jangda's joke“Driving behind this open truck I had to resist the urge to drive into it Knight Rider style 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • When shaitan reminds you of your past, you remind him of his future 🙂  :-)  ”

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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  • abdul nasir jangda carousel“Being a parent: waving EVERY single time your kid comes around on the carousel 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • “My daughter said, “I’m 16 years old and my mother is still dressing me”. I replied, “well, I’m 50 years old and your mother is still dressing me”.

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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abdul nasir jangda” Getting ready for Boston this weekend. Practicing my “Bastin” accent. “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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Picture of Science teacher shared by Imam Abu Eesa Niamatullah, on his FB page.

science teacher

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  • “Wife: honey, do you see me in your dreams?

Husband: No!

Wife: WHY NOT?

Husband: I recite Ayat Al-Kursi before I go to sleep. 🙂  :-)  

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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  • muslim's bathroom“Path to Piety took hospitality to another level:  LOTA placed in the bathroom of the hotel before I checked in!”

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • “So I took my boy, Abdullah Ibn Omar, out grocery shopping and every time I showed him a product he’d burst out laughing until he got tired and fell asleep mashaAllah. Needless to say, I think he finds Walmarts product quality laughable. 🙂 :-)   ”

(Imam Omar Suleiman)

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  • mr miyagi“If you grew up in the 80’s and 90’s you’ll remember “The Karate Kid” for the infamous crane kick that was in it. However, there were some pretty deep lines from Mr. Miyagee in it as well. One of my favorites was: “Man who lives without mercy; living is punishment worse than death.” Here’s another one to tickle our brains and hopefully inspire us to be principled people: (See picture on the left, Insha’Allah.) “

[Sheikh Navaid Aziz]

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  • “A fight just broke out between a Saudi and Bangladeshi over paying for the Imam’s lunch.  Now that’s entertainment!  The best part is that they don’t understand each other. :-)  🙂  “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • Musleh Khan's Funny“So I got to the kitchen and my wife got me a tea cup.. like nothing else I’ve seen before, take a look!”

(Sheikh Musleh Khan)

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  • “Brothers, your wives don’t want to hear your thoughts; they want to hear their thoughts in a deeper voice. 🙂 ”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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  • “When deciding on who to marry make the wise choice. Choose character over beauty, person over money, mind over body, and religion over degree. When making Du’a to Allah ask for the total package.  🙂

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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  • imam omar suleiman on southwest airlines “Al hamdulila for southwest.”

[see photo on the left]

(Imam Omar Suleiman)

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  • “Husband: I have the last word in this house. It’s usually “yes ma’am”  🙂 :-)  ”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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niqabi“The irony of this is…
we can always spot ourselves, and other familiar niqaabis.”

( http://muslimahstyle.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/cartoon-spot-the-niqaabi/ )

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  • “If your wife asks you, who are your favourite 3 women in your life? You’d better say, you, your shadow, and your reflection” 

(anonymous, shared by Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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  • Qabeelat Firdaws (broken telephone game played at workshop)“At the ‘Prophet’s Smile’ (workshop) we played a game of Broken Telephone. The original message was: “Purity is half of faith, subhaana Allah fills the heavens, prayer is a light, charity is a proof, and the Quran is an argument for you or against you.” After 20 odd people this is what the last person narrated back to me (see photo on the left)….LOL……” @ Qabeelat Firdaws

[Sheikh Navaid Aziz]

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  • “I think my wife was trying to tell me something. [see photo below] 🙂 :-) ”

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

women and men

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RIDDLE:

“There is an act of disobedience that Allah prohibited in the Quran which no one has committed nor will it ever be committed.  What is it?”

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Answer:

I wasn’t expecting people to get this one.

But good job, it was marrying the “Mothers of the Believers.”

I wonder, did those who answer it figure it out or look it up?

(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki)

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  • somali food with banana“SOMALI FOOD! Alhamdulillah! Notice the special special ingredient? :-) 🙂 “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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“Brothers please pull up your pants in Salah. The only full moon I look forward to is in Ramadan!”

(Brother Boonaa Mohammed)

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  • navaid aziz shares dr seuss quotes“Today is Friday so make the most of it. Have a great day and weekend! Enjoy, and share the joy! (See picture on the right)”

[Sheikh Navaid Aziz]

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  • somalian food with banana“After spending a weekend in Minneapolis aka little Somalia, every time I sit down to eat I look for the bananas :-) 🙂   “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • “I lived to see the day my wife texting my daughter to come downstairs for dinner.  🙂  :-) ” 

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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.Elsayed's cat

  • “We have a new addition to the family.

[See photo of cat on left or above]

O Lord, please save our drapes; furniture, and noses, Aameen . 🙂  :-) ” 

(Sheikh Alaa Elsayed)

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  • “Muslim guy at the flower shop : Give me a dozen roses and i want the card to say “The One And Only True Love Of My Life”

    Guy at the shop: That is one of the most beautiful things i have ever heard in my life.

    Muslim guy: Yeah, Yeah! Give me four of those please! 

    (from Sheikh Kamal El Mekki)

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muslim rapunzel (Shared on Top rated Muslim Memes)

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  • Abu Abdissalam the most halarious British shaykh I’ve ever met. Why did we Americans break off from them in the first place? What a bunch of rubbish! 🙂   :-)

(Imam Omar Suleiman)

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  • “My Ayesha (3 years old) just asked me to take her to Fry’s electronic store 😐
    She needs to stop spending time with her uncle Abdullah (nerdy tech guy). “

(Sheikh Abdul Nasir Jangda)

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  • Salams all.  Here’s a riddle.  A man performed the marriage contract between his biological mother and biological father.  It was the first time they ever got married. They were not divorced before and he was not a child of haram.  How could that be?

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Answer:

The woman was his concubine or right hand possession!  They had a child (halal) and many years later he decided to marry her.  The son was grown and made the nikah. FYI Couples that revert do not have to renew their nikah. If a christian man and woman are married, does Islam consider them to be living in sin? Their marriage is recognized.

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(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki)

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navaid aziz quote“This pic (on the right) is Awesome for 3 reasons:
1- How true the line is.
2- It was made by my wife ❤
3- It has OPTIMUS PRIME! 🙂

 “

(Sheikh Navaid Aziz)

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10 tips for Muslims watching the Superbowl tonight:
  1. Don’t miss, delay, or even rush your prayers
  2. Force yourself to pray your sunnahs too. You might be distracted during your fard because of the game so its good to pray the sunnah to make up for the deficiencies in your fard prayer.
  3. Don’t watch the commercials (they’ve become more and more sexualized every year). Just flip the channel to PBS or something since Big Bird survived Mitt Romney’s assassination attempt.
  4. Turn the TV off at halftime (ie. the concert) and just enjoy good company (even if its just with your family).
  5. Don’t make any bets even in jest.
  6. Be moderate in your food intake. We’ll all probably enjoy some chips and stuff but dont stuff yourself as that is unislamic and you’ll also gain a few pointless pounds.
  7. Don’t curse or use foul language.
  8. Remember that Ray Lewis is not a Prophet (although he’s the greatest linebacker of all time)
  9. Take it easy on your friends rooting for the opposing team.
  10. Most importantly, remember your priorities and dont get so emotionally vested in a meaningless game that you forget the plight of your brothers and sisters all over the world.
(Imam Omar Suleiman)
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  • Riddle:

    There is an act of worship in Islam that if you do, you will be the ONLY Muslim in the WHOLE WORLD doing it.  What is it?

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  • Answer:

  • KISSING THE BLACK STONE! Yes, no one in the world will be doing it besides you.

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(Sheikh Kamal El Mekki)

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“So why do Muslims pray five times a day? That’s kind of a lot. God doesn’t need you to pray to Him so much.”
“Oh, well, we get paid for every prayer so…”
“Wait what? You get paid?!”
“Yeah of course. I’m not doing this for nothing.”
“How do you get paid?”
“Really well!”
“No, I mean, HOW?”
“Direct deposit into my retirement savings account.”
“No, like, who is paying you?”
“God.”… “God? What?”
“Yeah. God instructs us to pray five times a day, not for His benefit but for ours, to establish a constant connection with Him. He loves when we pray, so in return, He grants us reward, in this life, but more importantly in the next. This life is short, so my focus is on saving up for the next life, where I can spend eternity in gardens of paradise through which rivers flow. That’s my retirement goal. That is the best destination.”
“Beats Florida.”
“Word.”
(Brother Dawah Addict)
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Links to Halal Funny Videos &

some other funny links:

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Resources:

 

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6 thoughts on “Halal jokes and funny quotes

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